High Holy Mass of Contradictions

From The 237 reasons women have sex - Holy Kaw!

"Nobody has really talked about how women can use sex for all sorts of resources." Their main reason was "orgasm, orgasm, orgasm."

That this was in any way elusive is a mystery to me. :)

I think porn is kind of boring, frankly–it’s like watching monkeys type. Yeah they can do it and it LOOKS real, but you know it’s all a setup.</p>

- Kat Coble

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Originally published at The Bee Hive. You can comment here or there.

Oddly enough, a Google news alert for “kate o’neill” brought me to this topic in the bisexual community over at LiveJournal. Turns out no one was talking about me — the “kate” came from “Kate Winslet” and the “o’neill” from “Chris O’Neill” — but in a way, they kind of were, in a strange coincidence.

The discussion was around the list of movies in the Bisexual category at Netflix, and whether the titles constituted a good set, or were just stereotypes. Some commenters had already made the case that they were, for the most part, a good set, which I appreciated… since I’m the one who put the list together.

I left the following comment:

I’m the person who initially put together the list of bisexual movies for Netflix. I was the content manager there in 2000-2001, and I created the Bisexual subgenre within the content database, gradually populating it over time with titles that I (as a bisexual person) recognized as pertaining in some way to bisexuality, because they either feature an openly bi character, have some fluidity of sexuality within the story, are mentioned in Wayne Bryant’s wonderful book “Bisexual Characters in Film,” or seemed relevant in some other way.

I certainly understand if they seem random; I thought it would be preferable to have a broader category than one that missed the breadth of representation of bisexuality, for better or worse.

The internet is such a small world.

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Originally published at The Bee Hive. You can comment here or there.

Over at Music City Bloggers, we’re debating choice and levels of wrongness, among other things.

Meanwhile over at the Onion, they get it half-right — well, mostly wrong, but still funny.

(That last one reminds me of a postcard I found one time that was captioned “San Francisco Parenting,” in which a parent was calling out to a child “Don’t forget to go both ways before crossing the street!”)

HT: Jon

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Originally published at The Bee Hive. Please leave any comments there.

Originally published at The Bee Hive. Please leave any comments there.

Is it already October 11th? Sheesh, the year flies by. Well, anyway, that means it’s time again for National Coming Out Day!

I’m pretty swamped with work projects, though, so I’m going to cop out and link back to last year’s post, with a few quoted excerpts below:

Step 1: Coming Out to Myself
I started my coming out process (and it is a process, rather than one big step — and that process continues as long as you continue to meet new people) in 1991. […]

Step 2: Coming Out to My Parents
I came out to my parents in 1993, just before leaving the country. […]

Step 3: Coming Out to My Sister
I came out to my sister in a letter in 1996, just after I’d moved to California. […]

Step 4: Coming Out to My Extended Family
I came out to my extended relatives a little bit by accident, in 1998. […]

Step 5: Not Becoming Invisible
In 1997, I met the love of my life. He happens to be male, and he happens to be straight, and initially that was hard for me. […]

Step 6, 7, 8, …
And so it goes. Every time I meet new people, every time someone makes a gay joke, every time I hear someone ignore the possibility of bisexuality, there’s an opportunity to out myself. […]

Happy Coming Out Day!

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Karsten: Oh! I guess I thought that was gay.
Neighbor-friend: Like, homosexual gay?

It looks as if Amendment 1 will pass, and that sickens me. It upsets Mike at Chez Bez, too, and he makes an interesting observation:

I see amendments like these and think that it's just a ploy by one party to get people to the polls ("Don't have an opinion about taxes? How about gays?"). But then, in a tight race where Corker is currently winning with 53% and the amendment winning by over 80%, that tells me that a lot of Ford voters are voting YES, too. (Or does that mean that a lot of YES voters aren't casting a vote for the senate at all?)

Considering that a vote for Ford is almost not even a vote for a Democrat, I can see where there's little conflict with voting for Ford and voting Yes for Amendment 1. And I suppose it's not a given that Democrats are going to be supportive of gay rights anyway (don't ask, don't tell!) and some conservatives have been making some good arguments against 1, like this amusing but logical-in-its-conservatism argument:

Constitutional Amendment #1: No. I make it a point not to care what other people do with their lives, as long as it doesn't affect me. The gays getting married, though I believe inadvisable, isn't my business. If your answer in this debate is to amend the state constitution to prevent the possibility of such a union, you should think about what that means. Rather than limiting the power of government over our lives, you are expanding it. What could be more Communist than that?

and this conservative's argument about a better way to "protect" marriage:

Defense against threats--real or preceived--has won many elections for the Republicans, and so I guess they're sticking to the "defense" guns on the marriage amendment as well. Even though it's among the weaker arguments the Vote Yes camp can offer.

And even with all that sound reasoning, it looks like Amendment 1 will pass. Oh, Tennessee, I'm disappointed in us.

If you're in Tennessee, you've no doubt heard about Proposition 1, but maybe you don't know what the amendment entails, or how exactly it would affect you.

Here is the text of the amendment:

The historical institution and legal contract solemnizing the relationship of one man and one woman shall be the only legally recognized marital contract in this state.  Any policy or law or judicial interpretation, purporting to define marriage as anything other than the historical institution and legal contract between one man and one woman, is contrary to the public policy of this state and shall be void and unenforceable in Tennessee.  If another state or foreign jurisdiction issues a license for persons to marry and if such marriage is prohibited in this state by the provisions of this section, then the marriage shall be void and unenforceable in this state.

If you are heterosexual, this amendment will not directly affect you or limit your rights in any way. However, if you are a bisexual or homosexual person living in Tennessee, this amendment severely limits your rights. Marriage secures more than 1,000 rights for couples.




Terry Frank has written a pro-prop-1 post at her blog, and the core of her argument seems to be that marriage is primarily about having and raising children. Naturally, I take issue with this logic, and responded in a comment, saying:

As a bisexual, non-religious woman in a child-free-by-choice marriage with a man, I obviously find significant fault with this logic and this defense of policy, but the strongest five are these:

1) The idea that marriage must be defined around the bearing of children, thereby invalidating childless and child-free couples, including those who are physically unable to reproduce, those who are past child-bearing age, those who choose not to have children for health reasons, financial reasons, or any of dozens of other sound reasons.

2) The idea that same-sex couples are somehow less valid than mixed-sex couples, and less deserving of social support and the myriad legal protections well above and beyond relevance to parenting that marriage affords couples.

3) The idea that religion should enter into a policy definition of marriage in a nation whose concept of government is predicated on separation of church and state.

4) The idea that children should be borne to provide care to their aging parents, rather than supporting real social services that provide care for aging people regardless of their parental status.

5) The idea that same-sex couples that choose to raise children (by adoption, from previous relationships, through artificial insemination, or any other means), and more importantly, the idea that their children are somehow not deserving of the rights, protections, and opportunities afforded by marriage.

Do you oppose Prop 1? Please, please, please: make sure you vote.

Edited to add: My comments on Terry's blog begin quite a ways down the page, in case you're interested in reading them in context.

I opened my MySpace messages this morning to find another charming missive:

youre beautiful.. we should get to know each other.. how is myspace treating you?

The picture on the profile is of, admittedly, a stunningly beautiful male. But I clicked through to read his profile, and here’s what it says:

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Originally published at The Bee Hive. You can comment here or there.

According to the HRC, the theme of this year's coming out day is "Talk About It." They've got a "Sorry Everybody"-style collection of pictures of people posing with signs that say "Talk About It."

I'm bisexual. But I'm also too lazy to print out a sign, take a picture of myself, and upload it, so I'll just talk about it here instead, shall I?

Step 1: Coming Out to Myself
I started my coming out process (and it is a process, rather than one big step -- and that process continues as long as you continue to meet new people) in 1991. That was the year I started college. I knew before that, in a way, that I was attracted to both men and women. What I couldn't tell was whether those attractions made me completely normal or psychopathically deranged. Because while I had plenty of exposure to gay and lesbian people (well, plenty of exposure to gay males -- it was rare that I encountered a lesbian), I had never heard of anyone who was attracted to both men and women... but I had never heard that it wasn't possible, either, or even normal. Still, I kept it under my hat, hoping someday it would all make sense to me.

And one fine day, in August 1991, it did. I was walking around with my new roommate, Andrea, and all across campus there were informational tables set up for student groups. And that was when I first saw the word: Bisexual. It was on the banner for Pride, the GLBT student group. I could parse it right away: bi meaning two, and sexual... well, let's just say I definitely knew what that meant. I stopped in my tracks and stared at the word. I even said it out loud. I can't remember if Andrea looked at me funny right then, because I was too caught up in my own world. And then we moved on, and I didn't say anything else about it for the rest of the day.

But the next day, after musing on it all night, I said to Andrea, "You know, I think I'm bisexual." And she said, "Yeah, I know. It was obvious when you saw the Pride sign yesterday."

Step 2: Coming Out to My Parents
I came out to my parents in 1993, just before leaving the country. At the time that felt like really smart timing, but in retrospect it gave us too much time apart with them unable to ask questions or have follow-up conversations, and in years to follow, they did their best to pretend I'd never said it. Even when I would deliberately make references to this "ex-girlfriend" or that "girl I was dating," it was just dropped as quickly as possible.

Step 3: Coming Out to My Sister
I came out to my sister in a letter in 1996, just after I'd moved to California. She'd told me before I left that she was a good pen pal, and since we'd never been close, she indicated an interest in getting to know each better through writing letters. I included the fact that I was bi in the first letter I sent her, and I never got a response. For years, I thought this was her rejection of my queerness. It wasn't until last year, as she and I were both giving care to our dying father, that I broached the subject. And it turned out she had never received the letter. She knew about my being bi before that point anyway, as my parents had told her, and she says she would've reassured me that it wouldn't change anything. Instead, the letter that got lost in the mail was one of the causes of a 9-year rift between us.

Step 4: Coming Out to My Extended Family
I came out to my extended relatives a little bit by accident, in 1998. I'd volunteered to help coordinate a family web site, and in the process included a link to my personal web site. At the time, I was running a large, high-profile bisexual resources web site, and it was prominently linked from my home page. I didn't worry about this, because I was under the impression that at some point, my parents had divulged this bit of information to the rest of the family, and that no one would be finding out this way. This was not the case. I received a scathing email from my uncle, who called me immature and selfish, and told me I was hurting my parents.

On the bright side of that hurtful incident, my dad came to my defense, writing a letter back to his younger brother and telling him that his response has been "extreme and totally unenlightened as well as un-christianlike" and adding that his "unfair and unkind judgment" of me was "totally unacceptable." If my dad hadn't already been my hero, he would have been immediately promoted based solely on that one letter.

Step 5: Not Becoming Invisible
In 1997, I met the love of my life. He happens to be male, and he happens to be straight, and initially that was hard for me. I didn't want to limit my identity to just the "heterosexual side" (I don't actually conceive of my sexuality as having sides, which is why I use the quotes, but it's simplest to explain it that way). I feared that if we were monogamous, I would be defined as straight, and that felt deeply wrong. But being involved with other people has never worked out well for us, and we've been mostly monogamous for a large portion of the nine years we've been together. I'm still bisexual, I still find women attractive (just as I still find men attractive -- occasionally!), and I still have major misgivings about being thought to be straight. But I have no regrets about being with Karsten, and our love is broad enough and complex enough that it makes sexual orientation a moot issue.

Step 6, 7, 8, ...
And so it goes. Every time I meet new people, every time someone makes a gay joke, every time I hear someone ignore the possibility of bisexuality, there's an opportunity to out myself. I'm less forward about it in some ways now than I used to be, partly because I live in a more culturally conservative area than I ever have before, partly because I find myself questioning how relevant it is to anyone but me, and partly because it's just there in the background, not bothering me, not needing to be announced, not needing to be talked about.

Except for today. Today I'm talking about it. I hope it helps someone understand themselves or someone else just a little bit better.

Happy Coming Out Day, everyone.

I can't believe after 32 years of life as an Irish-American Princess (IAP? perhaps the sound a small dog makes when you step on his tail?) I don't have a "Kiss Me I'm Irish" button to wear today. I need to go buy one. Because I'm thinking I need to wear that and then wear my "Kiss Me Twice I'm Bisexual" button right beneath it.

knekkebjoern suggested carrying mistletoe, too, to cover all the bases.

Originally published at The Bee Hive. Please leave any comments there.

At long last, I’ve started on an update and redesign for biallmeans.org. I’m not done or anything (not by far!), but I thought I’d give you all a sneak peek.

If anyone wants to suggest any links to add while I’m updating, feel free.

Updated much later to add: I eventually did let that domain lapse. I just didn’t have feel like I had the time it would have taken to make it the resource it could be, so I’d rather let someone else have the domain.

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Edited from an email message from a friend:

Some in Congress are pushing for a vote on the Constitutional Marriage Amendment and it will occur this Wednesday.

MoveOn.org has an easy, ready-made letter that they will send in your name to all your Senators and Representatives as well as the President.

Edited from the MoveOn.org site's "tell a friend" letter:

Never before has our Constitution been amended to take away anyone's rights. Yet our Senators will vote on this amendment in the next 48 hours.

It's urgent that we speak up now. This hateful divisiveness has no place in America. Please join me in saying so, at:

http://www.moveon.org/unitednotdivided/

Equality in marriage is the civil rights issue of our generation. We can't let anyone, or any group, be singled out for discrimination based on who they are or who they love.

Edited from the message I sent at the site:

Fighting terror is one thing. Fighting our own citizens is entirely another.

Please let your voice be heard.

I see that meme about asking people to ask you questions all the time, but like mactavish said, I can never think of what to ask people.

So I'm trying it a different way. I'll try to think of questions I think people might ask about me and answer those.

( Do you think you'll stay in Nashville for a long time? Maybe indefinitely? )

( Do you think you're less queer now than you were several years ago? You know, since you're in a long-term relationship with a male and have been for six-and-a-half years. )

Of course, if anyone does have questions for me, feel free to ask them. :-)

Finally got to watch Kissing Jessica Stein last night (it wouldn't play on Karsten's DVD-ROM in his Mac, which is the only apparatus in our apartment for viewing movies. We get to catch up on all sorts of movies when we house-sit for Boss' Boss).

It was cute! We both laughed out loud several times.

But I have a question about the ending.

( Spoiler alert! )

Background: Two years ago, I wrote an article for the Willamette Valley (Portland, OR) chapter of the Society for Technical Communication about networking opportunities at the Portland Chamber of Commerce. It's out there on their web site.

This morning I received an email from some random stranger who apparently found my article and thought that I should be aware of his feelings and that maybe I would pass his idiot message along. I'm tempted to not cut out his name and email address so you can all flood him with fan mail, but I'll edit it.

Subject: visiting Portland


I would like to find a way to assure the Chamber of Commerce can be made aware of my feelings about visiting Portland. I sent a message through the Business Alliance page, but I also found your newsletter and thought I would send you the message in hope you could pass it on. This is what I wrote:

To whom it may concern,
My wife and I have enjoyed visiting your wonderful city for many years, and make a point of staying downtown for at least one weekend each year. It is with great sadness and disappointment that we will no longer visit Portland, as long as the laws of man, laws of nature, and laws of God are blatantly violated by allowing homosexuals to invade the institution of marraige. Marraige is too sacred and special to be corrupted in this way. I realize our decision may be insignificant to the city, however, I cannot in good conscience financialy support commerce in a city that has become so corrupted and rejects common sense in such a fashion.

Respectfully,
[Full Name of Idiot]

Thank you very much.
[First Name of Idiot -- what, are we on a first-name basis now?]

Oy.

- Kate O'

Edmonton police are trying to better understand discrimination by walking around holding hands in non-gay neighborhoods. The cops said they felt intense awareness of their own security, especially when walking by a construction crew.

More at http://www.queerday.com/archives/002614.html.

I just woke up from a dream in which I was coming out to my cat, Blackberry.

Halfway through telling Blackberry I'm bi ("so that means I sleep with both men and women" -- I dream of not-very-good definitions of bisexuality) he turned into my coworker who's Indian (as in, from India).

I think this dream is trying to tell me something. I think Blackberry may be Indian, too. Or at least, he has an Indian accent. We've always said Blackberry has a "funny"-sounding meow. Now I feel horribly monocultural. Maybe he was just meowing with an accent.

Originally published at The Bee Hive. Please leave any comments there.

I just woke up from a dream in which I was coming out to my cat, Blackberry.

Halfway through telling Blackberry I’m bi (”so that means I sleep with both men and women” — I dream of not-very-good definitions of bisexuality) he turned into my coworker who’s Indian (as in, from India).

I think this dream is trying to tell me something. I think Blackberry may be Indian, too. Or at least, he has an Indian accent. We’ve always said Blackberry has a “funny”-sounding meow. Now I feel horribly monocultural. Maybe he was just meowing with an accent.

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I’m posting from my boss’ boss’ house, where I’m housesitting and dogsitting, and she obviously has a “net nanny”-type filter set up on this computer. I’ve never used a computer that had that running before, at least not to my knowledge, but I know this one does because I can’t get to any of the links in the -related feeds. When I try to access biallmeans.org the word % - - - - - - - ” is invisible (had to put the hyphens in there so it doesn’t remove the word from my posting) as if it doesn’t even appear on the page. I tried to access - - - - -d-a-y.com and it redirected me to the National Wildlife Organization or whatever. (Interestingly, the filter leaves the word % ” but doesn’t like % - - - - “)

I’m so weirded out by this. I know it’s common, but I’ve never personally experienced it before.

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Originally published at The Bee Hive. You can comment here or there.